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March 31st, 2008
11:52 pm - no one reads this so I don't care
I had something to say but then I forgot it.
I'm not going to play games anymore.
My brain is fried and you can make fun of me all you want.
Because I can't process your insults quickly enough to be hurt by them.
You can hurt me all you want. You can hurt me until I hide in my bed for weeks, and it'll be okay. It'll be okay because you've done more damage to me than anything else can and I'm still here. I'm still here.
I'm okay. I'm alright. I'm breathing.
The other night my friends and I went to see Planet Earth on a big projector in Barnum 08, where I used to have my Anthropology class. Most of us were high. I remember feeling like the whale that had no purpose but to climb to the higher water where it was warmer to feed during the day, and sink down lower to the colder water at night to sleep. I'm really not much different from a shark, or a dolphin. More like a dolphin.
I'm going to stop smoking weed.
It makes me think too much.
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February 25th, 2008
11:17 pm - silliest/best thing I've heard all night
mialol: your country house!
turnupthatd***: i hope u like it
turnupthatd***: there are no bars
turnupthatd***: no clubs
turnupthatd***: just vibes
p.s. I don't think anyone's ever asked me to their place to cook dinner for me before. Let alone a guy. This is nice.
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03:52 pm
Gahhh so much frustrated energy building up. I feel like I'm not doing anything with my life anymore. Instead of doing ballet I've been doing modern, which isn't satisfying to say the least. Instead of actually dancing and exercising we just roll around on the floor to ambiguous counts in ambiguous music.
I signed up for a yoga class at Harvard, have to catch the 4 o'clock joey. More on this later.
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February 24th, 2008
10:59 pm
Nevermind. Met them all tonight, went to house dinner, I love them all and they love me. Yay.
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05:19 pm
Hmmm...I wonder if deciding to live in the Arts House next year will have been a mistake.
I'm pretty excited about the people living there with me, about 15 other artists, mostly juniors and seniors, but then again I feel like I might not be near my other friends at all, and I'm again closing myself off to everyone besides the art kids.
Either way it'll be nice to live in a house, especially with people I know I'll get along with.
I kind of still wish I went to RISD.
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06:05 am
Hey, if you're gonna go completely crazy, I'm allowed to go a little bit crazy, too.
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05:44 am
Everyone needs to listen to Organ Donor by DJ Shadow, the extended recall version. Maybe my friends are far too foreign for my own good, but it's all we've listened to for about two weeks. Maybe I'm just too much a stoner to listen to anything else now. Who knows. Either way I'm done with stupid drama. I've fully decided to cut the shit and just deal with what's right in front of me. Fuck the past. It's the past and it's done. I hope I can look back on this and remember it, because when I'm sober I can't manage to understand it. It's weird that I can be so clear and straightforward with myself when I'm messed up, but be way too rational and logical when I'm sober to see past any of it. In any case...Shadow innit.
You got an organ goin' there (no wonder the sound has so much body)
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February 20th, 2008
05:39 pm
aaaand everything is now officially going to shit.
fuck.
what am I doing?
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February 19th, 2008
04:48 pm
heftur með gaddavír í kjaftinum sem blæðir mig
læstur er lokaður inn í búri
dýr nakinn ber á mig
og bankar upp á frelsari
ótaminn setur í ný batterí
og hleður á ný
og hleður á ný
og hleður á ný
og hleður á ný
við tætum tryllt af stað
út í óvissuna þar
til að við rústum öllu og reisum aftur
aftur á ný
aftur á ný
aftur á ný
aftur á bak þar sem við ríðum
aftur með gaddavír
sem rífur upp gamalt gróið sár
er orðinn ryðguð sál
rafmagnið búið
mig langar að skera
og rista sjálfan mig á hol
en þori það ekki
frekar slekk ég á mér
aleinn á ný
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/ibrad/frown.gif) numb
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12:01 am
They say time heals everything, but I think that's a huge fucking load of bull.
This isn't ever going to go away.
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February 17th, 2008
07:38 pm
Don't you love those days when you feel like a complete waste of human space?
I have dreams about dying every night now. I stopped watching Six Feet Under but it's like I'm fucking obsessed or something. Every night is a new scenario in which I'm going to die soon and I have to make myself die. Over and over again, and I'm always alone. Last night I was a human sacrifice, and if I didn't die (again, by doing something trivial for an even amount of seconds) by that night, then everyone else in the world would die. But I was too scared to die and I couldn't bring myself to do it. Again. I can never bring myself to do it.
I hate that I have lucid dreams so often. Sleeping is supposed to be a break from life, but all I do when I sleep is dream about confronting things I refuse to confront while I'm awake.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/ibrad/ohcrap.gif) depressed
Current Music: Dramamine
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February 13th, 2008
05:05 pm
I'm pretty glad I've been so fucking busy that I haven't even been able to dread Valentines Day.
I have about an hour until my Anthropology test, which I will without a doubt bomb.
These days I feel like I'm always counting down to something. Minutes or days or bites of toast or tea bags. Everything is time and I fucking hate it. I just want to slow down, I want everything to stop moving so quickly. I can't grasp anything if you're going to talk to me this quickly and I'm never going to be able to say the right thing if you ask me that question before I have time to even think up my opinion of you.
I don't understand how time can move so slowly and then before you know it the moments you want to hold onto are gone. Everything I want to last doesn't and everything I want to end lasts for an eternity.
This is completely juvenile and I feel stupid. I have to study for Anthropology now. I hate that I let people make me feel stupid.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/ibrad/uhoh.gif) scared
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February 11th, 2008
09:46 pm
I'm pretty bitter right now. I decided to read through my entire livejournal, and that didn't help any of the bitterness.
I miss the city, even though there's no reason to.
god I was such a little twat. I would create a new livejournal, but I like the color scheme of this one and I don't remember how to re-do it. I would also delete all my past entries, but that scares me. Even though the posts are pathetic, it's good to look back on and realize how far you've come. I just wish everyone else didn't have to see them.
meh. art so much art history whyyyyyy
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/ibrad/angry.gif) cynical
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12:30 am
some wanna-be elitist asshole tried to slap me last night after he called me a cunt.
all I did was tell him to be quiet. he was screaming the words to a biggie song at the top of his lungs at 3 in the morning in my friends room.
now he's saying I slapped him.
...
I feel...so violated.
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February 8th, 2008
06:39 pm - fuck
I have to be ready in 21 minutes so I can go eat thai/mexican food in harvard square with Jenny's mom and 6 other of my friends. I have to be ready in 20 minutes so I can go eat thai/mexican food in harvard square with Jenny's mom and 6 other of my friends.
fuck.
But I still haven't showered and I smell of a weird mix between oranges, mildew, and body odor.
fuck
And all I've done today is sleep and then wake up and watch an episode of Skins (british show resembling something along the lines of degrassi mixed with a really good show that equals out to a high-mediocre show that has a lot of pretty british kids from Bristol taking too many drugs and swallowing alcohol as if it were water fuck)
I have to be ready in 18 minutes so I can go eat thai/mexican food in harvard square with Jenny's mom and 6 other of my friends.
I think I might send a card in place of me so I don't have to go and so I can keep watching Skins and falling asleep. I've been watching six feet under which is a terrible idea, because all it does is make me think about death and how much I dont want to die and how much I am going to die one day, and maybe it wont be in old age, maybe it'll be in three years when I drink too much and choke on my vomit or maybe it'll be in 30 years when I realize my life is a waste and I have no one to love and while I'm thinking all of this I'll be crossing the street near my house on the fucking upper east side in fucking manhattan in fucking new york city and my fucking neighbor (I only have one, we share a floor in my apartment building) will be fucking speeding and will turn the fucking corner and not fucking see me (I mean come on, no one REALLY sees me) and fucking run me over. It's all possible, it's all going to happen, very very soon. Time is relative, right? Right? So that means that tomorrow will be shorter than today and then in thirty years that day will be.....about .00823 times shorter than today, yeah? fuck fuck fuck
I have to be ready in 14 minutes so I can go eat thai/mexican food in harvard square with Jenny's mom and 6 other of my friends.
I should be getting ready but instead I'm thinking and thinking of my dream I had where I had no one to love and no one who loved me because I had to die, within the time frame between my scheduled funeral (that my mom scheduled and paid for, so obviously I had to go through with dying) and I couldn't I couldn't bring myself to die, but I was with someone, a nameless, sexless person, who was there with me and even they couldn't get me to die (dying in my dream only meant closing my eyes and keeping them shit for 10 seconds (why ten?)) but I fucking couldnt bring myself to die ever so instead I went to a rehab for people who were suicidal. Irony? no. fuck.
I have to be ....yeah fuck it I have to be ready now but I wont be because to feel good about myself I need at least fifteen pounds of make up and twenty eight pounds of water to fill my tummy and make me think I'm hydrated enough to drink away my sorrows later that night what? what? fuck? fuck
Why am I thinking of things I shouldnt be thinking of thinking of things I dont want to shouldnt be thinking about fuck fuck fuck why is this happening I brought it upon myself I did it to myself its my fault so that doesnt make it easier but it should shouldnt fuck
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June 6th, 2007
10:00 pm
I don't think anyone understands how truly depressing 9 A.M. and 5 P.M. subway rides are until you actually witness them. I don't mean the 6 train, either. I mean the ones that run through midtown--any that run from 20th to 60th street, on either west or east sides. No, no, you don't get it until you ride them, twice a day, with the same people. All with the same facial expressions, the same suits, the same COLOR suits, the same clanky, awkward heels, the same monotone ties. The same glazed-over eyes produced by intense boredom and an inkling of failure in life. Tired of routines--tired routines that take away the sense of a new day. Everyday is the same day. Life is one long day. The same one. Over, and over again.
Maybe that's not how they feel. Maybe they're happy. They should be....right? They're all business people, making good money, with kids and spouses at home. But the sallow cheeks, the grey tint in their skin...I don't know. I'm not so convinced anymore. The thought of a huge crowd of suits and ties and briefcases is a scary thought. (Right? Or is it just me?) The sight of it is even worse. I'm scared. No, I'm fucking terrified.
My favorite characters on the subway are the young ones. The ones straight out of college, literally having just graduated and started the job within the past month. They're still intact. Instead of shiny, still eyes, theirs dart around as if they're frogs ready to catch a moving fly with their extra-long tongues. Look, look, look! Eyes moving in beats of three, one two three, one two three, beat beat beat. Look! There went my youth! Their faces are flushed, as if trying to fight off the nearing and inevitable yellow-grey undertone their faces will inherit. They keep their hands on their thighs, close to the crest of their knee--alert, alarmed, scared. Are they realizing the sticky, plasticky doom slowly pouring in, surrounding them? (Doom? Is that too dramatic?) Am I watching them as they come to the same realization that I am? That I'm about an inch away from being sucked into the workforce? "The Workforce." What the fuck? What is that? Why do black pants, black jackets, white pressed shirts and ties signify so much all of the sudden? I never thought I'd have to enter that world. But I do. One day, I'll have to. And I'll want to.
What the fuck. What the fuck.
P.S. I hate my job.
P.P.S. I'm currently sitting on my floor, with my computer in front of me, in tights, a leotard, and pointe shoes. And a sweater. Can't forget the sweater. I've lost my mind.
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May 13th, 2007
11:18 pm
Flowergirl183: I hate rationality.
Current Mood: sick
Current Music: portishead
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May 7th, 2007
08:58 pm
you're not conventionally pretty. you are not. conventionally pretty. conventional. pretty. you're not. pretty. conventional pretty. pretty conventional. you are. you aren't. are you. no. not conventionally pretty. pretty, not conventional. you're not conventionally pretty. conventionally pretty. you're not conventionally pretty. you're not pretty. you aren't pretty. you are not pretty. you are not conventional. you are not pretty.
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May 2nd, 2007
04:30 pm
the first thing I heard when I got to school this morning at 8 15 AM:
Lourdes, the receptionist:
"Wow...you look like shit."
Me:
"Uhh...are you kidding?"
Lourdes:
"Well, you're not wearing any make-up, right?"
No, I wasn't wearing any make-up.
Current Mood: limp.
Current Music: Xiu Xiu
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April 27th, 2007
08:36 pm - HAI GUYZ
in case you were wondering, that's where i've been for the past eon.
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April 26th, 2007
07:12 pm
All dressed down to catch a whiff of the buzz
Smells like the death of the last great cause
But you & I we've been through that and that is not our fate
Give my face to the back of your head
Loyal in your shadow
Yeah yeah yeah
Broken accidental stars
Do lawyers have lawyers?
Do landlords have landlords? we're wondering
One more cheap suit in the loop, more chlorine in the pool
The blonde dolls smiling behind us
Says one day you'll be just like us
All dressed up to catch a glimpse of the list
We've seen some success, it looks like a camero
Yeah yeah yeah
Broken accidental stars
Calling from the next hotel - can you put me on the list?
Who we are now we will always be- the best haircuts are taken
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April 16th, 2007
11:04 pm
my mood changes far too much to write in this. anything I write here will become obsolete within a couple hours.
i'll just leave pictures instead.
except I don't have any I want to leave right now.
umkbye.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/ibrad/lonely.gif) listless
Current Music: The Beginning And The End--Isis
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March 22nd, 2007
11:29 pm
I should really start writing in this thing again.
It's kind of a hassle, and a bit mind-boggling, since I can't think of anything good to write about, nor write anything good at all.
It's hard to write when there isn't anything to complain about.
The only thing left to do on this thing is to quote songs, post pictures/videos/links, etc, or talk about what happened during the day or past few days, and I doubt anyone really cares to read a recitations of my boring days that are cut up routinely into neat 40 and 5 minute intervals, (class 40, walking-time 5) and then used as small injections of torture where our 5 minute breaks are our relapse time, before we prepare for another painful span of endless time that has been disguised as 40 minutes.
And now, I'm falling asleep, because I took too much ativan, and not enough coffee. I guess this is just how things go.
p.s. do you ever feel like there's something missing? how about now?
Current Location: in a ploooooshy towel
Current Mood: sedated
Current Music: sigur ros
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March 16th, 2007
10:18 pm - I got into SMFA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I felt that a picture post was in order, especially because I found out a second after this picture was taken.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! arttttttt !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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March 12th, 2007
March 6th, 2007
06:37 pm - how i miss your ranting...do you miss my all-time lows?
ive hit a low point. but it's okay guys, i'll make it look good.
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March 4th, 2007
01:40 am
And if you don't intend to see it through, why did we ever start?
I wanna hear you tell me you don't want my love
Put your hand on your heart and tell me
it's all over
I won't believe it till you put your hand on your heart and tell me
that we're through
Put your hand on your heart.
They like to talk about for ever
Most people never get the chance
Do you wanna lose our love together,
Do you find a new romance
I have to hear you tell me
you don't want my love
Put your hand on your heart and tell me
it's all over
I won't believe it till you
put your hand on your heart and tell me that we're through
Put your hand on your heart, hand on your heart.
Look me in the eye
and tell me we are really through
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March 2nd, 2007
12:20 am - So call it quits or get a grip. Say you wanted a solution, you just wanted to be missed.
Why is it that, when I'm happy--or even just content--and when every thing's fine, and good, and I'm surrounded by people I love, people I can talk to, people who understand me and give me attention, people who love me, and when home is okay, not suffocating, kind of comfortable for a minute, why is it that during this time, I can't write? Why is this all less satisfying than when I'm miserable? I have nothing to do--I'm bored. I've been through this before, and I'm sure if I look back a few entries I'll find something like this somewhere. There has to be a solution, a happy medium, SOMETHING! But there isn't. In the middle, I need an extreme. If I'm not on one end, I feel like everyone else. Dull. Boring. Plain. Stupid. Pointless.
I hate all this melodramatic bullshit, but this is the point. Everything in my life is going so well, and I hate it.
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February 25th, 2007
09:11 pm
what a mess. why do I do this almost every weekend? am I subconsciously trying to fuck myself over at every chance I get? what the fuck.
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February 20th, 2007
01:35 am - "i could fuck your brains out, but i'm not interested in that life..."
i know this gives you satisfaction
but it doesn't make a difference to me.
its like strumming on the wooden pannel of an air
conditoner
that makes hollow noises
that we interpret as songs.
thats what you are,
a fake.
your a hollow noise
that i thought was music.
your the four letter word i
play at night
you're what i thought,
a fake.
not even a coward.
just a fake.
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February 16th, 2007
11:26 pm
RIP Weird Friday.
Oh how I miss the fall.
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February 14th, 2007
05:34 pm
"I've decided tonight, I'm staying alive,
Just kicking and screaming.
Tonight, I'm staying alive,
Blood boiling and streaming.
There are things far too dark to comprehend.
Sleep on it, one more night.
One more night.
My sad old friend.
Alive! I'm staying alive.
Alive! I'm staying alive.
Kicking and screaming,
Blood boiling and streaming,
Staying alive.
The worst is over."
And aren't you glad?
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February 11th, 2007
11:21 pm - finally...
dun dun dunnnnn....
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05:01 pm
i em sewww heppyyyy. i think ill go up to boston soon. you know, to visit schools. ha. ha. ha.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/ibrad/bigwink.gif) ecstatic
Current Music: mars volta
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February 4th, 2007
10:14 pm
neither of us are ever going to get over this.
why are we even trying?
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09:11 pm
taking a philosophy class has probably been the worst elective choice, of my life. as if i wasn't already morbid and anxious about whatever the fuck we're living in already, this class has taught me even more so that there is absolutely no point in this life that we are given. yes, i know, it sounds sooo pessimistic and tortured and all of that, but really, it's more than just the old and typical adolescent coming-of-age and realization that everything you grew up with that were meant to pacify fears and doubts are huge lies. sometimes, i wish that i still believed in a god and in a heaven that i would go to after death, where i would chill out on a fluffy cloud with my dogs and parents and first love, etc. but then theres that trade off. ignorance and bliss, or sheer and embarrassing stupidity, vs the knowledge that everything and everyone we know will one day come to an utter and infinite end. darkness. black.
i cant get over it.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/ibrad/erked.gif) annoyed
Current Music: sound of a massive blood rush due to a massive migraine
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February 1st, 2007
12:14 am
everyone must read "Lolita." this is the second time i read it, this time for my Enigmatic Heroes Lit. class (i picked Kraus for my second semester elective, of course) and i am still astounded with how beautiful his writing is. and english isn't even his first fucking language!
"Lolita, light of my life, fire of my loins. My sin, my soul. Lo-lee-ta: the tip of the tongue taking a trip of three steps down the palate to tap, at three, on the teeth. Lo. Lee. Ta.
She was Lo, plain Lo, in the morning, standing four feet ten in one sock. She was Lola in slacks. She was Dolly at school. She was Dolores on the dotted line. But in my arms she was always Lolita."
--Vladimir Nabokov
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/ibrad/switching.gif) bored
Current Music: conor
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January 28th, 2007
January 21st, 2007
01:12 am
But I'll bet that you're running
I've been sleeping in the alkaline
I can't shake this little feeling
I'll never get anything right
Goodbye you liar
Well, you sipped from her cup
But you don't own up to anything
Take me, take me back to your bed
I love you so much that it hurts my head
I don't mind you under my skin
I’ll let the bad parts in the bad parts in
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January 19th, 2007
12:49 am - "Pretty Girls Make Graves" --The Smiths
i wonder if, after all of this, after everything that has happened to me, all the terrible people i've met through drunken conversations and awkward greetings, if i'll be done. if i'll ever learn the lesson that's been shoved in my face twenty times over. if i'll ever see what everything adds up to, like it's supposed to. if everything will actually have a moral, or if shit just happens because of bad luck. i wonder if when i come to these realizations, maybe at age 80 (if i live that long, which means, if i quit smoking anytime soon) or maybe next week, if i'll become a hermit, a recluse. if i'll understand what it all means and finally give up on this. because from where i see it now, things don't change. people don't change. i don't change. my best friend, in the entire world, who i know still loves me, who i curse at in every other sentence over the phone while he's so far away in a different city, will never, ever change. we'll grow up, our faces will change, thin out, cheekbones will become more prominent. we'll know more, become wise about whatever we choose to observe, we'll travel and pretend it matters. but we can't ever change. we're stuck, running parallel, always. but even so, i wonder if one day it'll sink in. i wonder if ill ever fully understand everything i just said, everything i just admitted to. everything i can say but can never fathom. maybe it's just pointless. maybe it'll sink in and ill just keep going. i guess that's what everyone else does.
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January 14th, 2007
11:27 pm - no repetitions
used to be one of the rotten ones and i liked you for that
now you're all gone got your makeup on and you're not coming back
cant you come back?
used to be one of the rotten ones and i liked you for that
now you're all gone got your makeup on and you're not coming back
bleaching your teeth, smiling flash, talking trash, under your breath
bleaching your teeth, smiling flash, talking trash, under my window
park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me
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02:15 am
ended up
not going to see n
it would have been a waste of time
probably would have ended up
stranded
in the middle of jersey or something.
went to a party instead
in the city
dreads was there
introduced me to
jesse
official look alike to two-years-ago n.
...im sick.
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January 13th, 2007
11:20 am
what a
miserable
night. i should have just stayed home
and spared everyone else.
im leaving this city tonight.
i have to.
n and i kissed and made up. hes leaving tomorrow.
ive gotta go up and say goodbye.
Current Mood: my eyes hurt
Current Music: xiu xiu
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January 11th, 2007
04:11 pm - she could always make the light turn green
i got bored today. my photographs all looked grey and terrible, so i took some of them and colored branches, shoes, cars, faces, with ink. i started out with some purples, some blues. then i moved onto greens, and then to browns. then i got bored with that too. why is everything so boring, so repetitive? nothing's new anymore; everything's so predictable. its suffocating, really, how life is such an unwavering routine.
lame.
Current Mood: zombie-like
Current Music: deerhoof
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01:51 am
good thing i'm numb, huh?
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January 9th, 2007
04:21 pm
i finished all 56 episodes of Lost within a week and a half. i really should have paced myself. i feel so empty without it. i even set up all the dvd cases nicely on my red dresser to remember the good old times.
Current Mood: sick to my stomach
Current Music: smashing pumpkins
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January 7th, 2007
11:16 pm - calm before the storm
are you happy now? im sure you are. you got everything you wanted. have fun with it. it wont last.
i made the biggest mistake i have in a very long time. yes, it was a mistake. do you know why i know it was a mistake? because now i have to pay for it. for as long as i can see, i'm going to have to pay the consequences.
so i hope you're happy now. fucking ecstatic, really. i hope this is what you wanted, cause you got it, kid. you got it all. you won. aww, dont pretend you're not happy. dont you dare. i know what your priorities are. and dont worry about me. ill be fine. you know what im capable of. you've known me long enough.
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January 5th, 2007
07:12 pm
when i left my house today, as rainy and cloudy as it was, i still had to squint my eyes because the light was so strong for me. i clearly need to leave my house more often. i'm actually beginning to physically reject natural sunlight.
Current Mood: dizzy
Current Music: the airconditioner
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January 4th, 2007
07:01 pm
you remind me of that boy that blocked his own shot.
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January 1st, 2007
06:52 pm
new years was fun. it always is, for some reason. i seem to always get lucky and stumble upon good people at a good party with good drinks. this time i got trapped in a dungeon with my best friends and a bunch of college kids. they were nice to me, though. one of them knew vicki. i made a mistake at midnight, but i dont think it will be too much of a problem. i feel like new years eve is that one night that everything you do gets erased, like it never happened, except in a lucid dream, during REM sleep. nothing seems to count, or come back to bite you in the ass, or get you in the slightest bit of trouble. you can kiss boys and scream at strangers and watch fireworks and none of it matters the next day. i feel like now that i say this, it'll all catch up to me. fuck it, i deserve it. it's just nice. thinking back. that countdown. new years eve. my last one at home. fucking weird.
Current Location: underneath my bangs
Current Music: mix CD
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cellophane_dots's journal
